Aber Lincolnham

Today one of the reports I was coding noted that the patient was a "poor historian".  I know that means the patient is unable to answer questions about his medical condition for one reason or another.  And I don't mean to make light of that fact.  But I wondered what that might look like in another context.  I can't help what pops into my brain. 

I imagined the technologist with pen and requisition in hand, saying...What year was the Spanish Armada defeated?...patient-I don't know...tech-When did Christopher Columbus land in the New World?...patient-I don't know...tech-Who was the 16th president of the United States?...patient-I don't know...tech-My, my you really don't know much about history do you? as she jots down "poor historian" on the requisition. 

Maybe you have to work in the medical field to find that funny.  I keep a notebook with words and phrases that I have encountered on actual reports.  Here are a few:

Patient fell.  Speaking Greek.  Usually speaks English.
Patient returned for further violation of a subtle area of possible distortion in the right breast.
Swallowed a fly.
Hit right knee with hammer.  Now has pain. 
Belching and hip popping for two weeks.   
Manopause.
Unable to take out tongue.
90 year old female with pregnancy. 
Correlation with Mr. Cycle recommended.
The handmade and a piece of form.   (This was supposed to be the hamate and pisiform-bones in the wrist)
The right apex is not well seen due to overlying clavicle and the patient's physician.
Hammertoes deformity of the right 2nd and 12th possible third toes.  
The patient states Dr. polo knee has a lump in his chest.  
Hit center of chest with sofa while eating peanuts.  
Vomiting after eating for 2 months.  
The patient has a car on the left side of the face and head.
Otto accident.
According to nursing home patient became SOB.
Patient starts drinking at 9:20.
Restroom failure.  
Feeling woozy.  Having blur.
Diagnosis:  Fell on knees.   Accident place:  At church

This is just a highlight of my collection from the past 10 years or so.  I have pages of them.  Most of them are only funny to other medical people.  Like the funny x-ray school story that I told Marty the other day.  He looked at me expectantly like he was waiting for the punch line.  But there wasn't any more to the story.  I said I guess it's only funny to other x-ray techs.   

I hope you got a laugh or two out of reading this.  And I pray that you will always be a good historian and that if you ever need to go to the hospital the people you encounter are good historians, too.  I don't want to add your patient history to my list. 

And in case you were wondering...the 16th President of the United States was Aber Lincolnham.